stupid me... i saw him today. i didn't really want to. i didn't know he was there. hey, byurie, tell the truth!!! you wouldn't go there if you hadn't a little hope of seeing him. and yeah, he WAS there. i hugged him like i hadn't done for ages. i felt his breath soooooo near. i felt i missed him much.
we talked a little. "i'm more aggressive than before," i said.
"i imagine your friends, family... they can't bare you!"
"except from my mum. i love her."
we talked about other things too. talked about his plans. i was making fun of him (as always) and i was asking myself all the time: "do i love him still?" i couldn't find the right answer. i just knew that i missed him very much and it was like missing a friend and nothing more.
when i was going to leave, he hugged me again. i wanted to hold him like that forever. i still smell him on my arms...
and then i asked myself another question: "does he love me?" and couldn't give the right answer. i know, i know he has loved me long ago but now... just friendly feelings or maybe even a little more... and another question: "do i want to see him again?" i have an answer this time: "i don't know..."

soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name

words that i say for already 2.5 years... and i still flinch at his name and not only. no, i can't love anyone else like i loved him before. and now i have just some pieces of that love in my heart. perhaps they'll leave me soon enough.