stupid me... i saw him today. i didn't really want to. i didn't know he was there. hey, byurie, tell the truth!!! you wouldn't go there if you hadn't a little hope of seeing him. and yeah, he WAS there. i hugged him like i hadn't done for ages. i felt his breath soooooo near. i felt i missed him much.
we talked a little. "i'm more aggressive than before," i said.
"i imagine your friends, family... they can't bare you!"
"except from my mum. i love her."
we talked about other things too. talked about his plans. i was making fun of him (as always) and i was asking myself all the time: "do i love him still?" i couldn't find the right answer. i just knew that i missed him very much and it was like missing a friend and nothing more.
when i was going to leave, he hugged me again. i wanted to hold him like that forever. i still smell him on my arms...
and then i asked myself another question: "does he love me?" and couldn't give the right answer. i know, i know he has loved me long ago but now... just friendly feelings or maybe even a little more... and another question: "do i want to see him again?" i have an answer this time: "i don't know..."

soon i'll grow up and i won't even flinch at your name

words that i say for already 2.5 years... and i still flinch at his name and not only. no, i can't love anyone else like i loved him before. and now i have just some pieces of that love in my heart. perhaps they'll leave me soon enough.

so here is my city from a high place. how beautiful it is!!!! so here is the noise of a fountain. how sweet it is!!! so these are the clouds up there. i'm waiting for a thunder.
...i was lying on my bed and listening to joan baez when suddenly i jumped from my bed, dressed up in a hurru and left the house. soon i was in the middle part of cascade. so here is my city in front of my eyes. and many clouds. beautiful and soft. the sky seems to have many depths and each of them seems to have its color and mystery. and how i love my city!!!
thoughts... memories... i'd like to have someone next to me that i've loved before. i've loved 4 people in my life. i'd like to see any of them near me. i've loved others too... ah, i won't call it a love. i'd better say i've tried to love them. i'd like to see here even one of those that i've tried to love. and even a new one - the 5th. oh, how i've waited for that 5th!!! i haven't loved anyone else after HIM. i'm surprised - i can't live without love.
and now i'll go down. the wind. how pleasant it is to go down from here!!! let's go...