i'm an ugly, stupid, self-iterested girl. that's who i am. i know who i am. i'm also too selfish. yeah, i really am. i have good sides too. i'm too honest. i hate to hide my opinion. that's for those who get angry after they read my LJ.
and now about something else...
my cat was ill so i went upstairs to my grandpa's to ask for some medicine. i heard amalia's voice. "she's back at last. i can talk to her," i thought. then i asked Tsiala to call her. she did. i was afraid. my heart was beating so fast. i could hear the noise.
...i had decided to talk with amalia after i came back from sevan. at first i thought i'll give her a piece of paper with such a message, "i forgive you. will you forgive me?" then i changed my mind. i decided to talk to her but she was back to gyumri. i had to wait for her...
so she was here today. she came out after Tsiala called her. she smiled. it was better than i thought. i took her hand and we went downstairs. i told tsiala not to follow us cuz it was going to be a private conversation. it's funny... when we went downstairs, we didn't tell a word. we just hugged each other sooooooooo tight!!!! then i said, "forgive me." "no, you forgive me. it's all my fault. i want my Bubu just as she is and nothing different. i really missed you and i was going to see you if you wouldn't make the first step." i didn't see but i thought she cried. then we went and sat in the yard. i told her about the huge changes of my life. she was surprised to hear that i've kicked him off my life without saying goodbye. she was surprised to hear about the other changes too and she was very happy for me. i'm happy too... i'm happy i have a friend like her.

i thought august is going to be even more boring than the end of july. i hope i was mistaken. i had a great time yesterday. i met with people from the camp. it was some kind of weird to see them here in hot yerevan. one of the girls said with a surprise, "i'm surprised to see you here. it seems i've left you there in sevan." we had a great fun together. at first we shared the pics. then we played some really silly games. we also had a Bible study. and then we ate cold water-melon. i don't like water-melons, if you want to know the truth but this time i enjoyed eating it. maybe it's because it was pretty hot in the room and the water-melon was pretty cold. soon many people left the place and there were left only 7 people (me, sevak, armen, aka, dots, anna, aida). we played some more silly games and laughed a lot. i went home at 10:30pm and i was worn out. i could go straight to bed but my cat had a fight with other cats and had wounded himself. so i had to care about him. and then i felt like i wasn't tired anymore. i went to lifetime chat. i argued with some boys as always. some of them had read my LJ and told me that i'm not really as clever as i think and shouldn't write such things about armenian guys and chats. oh, i know i'm stupid but i know other thing too. even though i've lived a little less than 18 years, i have a great experience and i've met with so many people during that short period. and of course, i've me with so many armenian and foreign guys and i see a bug-big difference between them. maybe i'm mistaken and it's my taste. i just hate armenian guys.
i received ana's letter at last. i was pretty happy. i hadn't heard of her for a long time cuz her letters never reached me. i was pretty excited when i got this letter and i'm going to reply as soon as i can.
my bro has rented a movie - great expectations. i'm going to watch it now. i've read the book last winter and i quite liked it. i think there's something about it somewhere in my LJ. i like estella most of all. maybe it's because i'm like estella...

i feel that i miss him. i don't love him anymore but i miss him. maybe i miss the feeling that i had for him. maybe i miss all those amazing moments i had with him. i was reading my handwritten diary. i was reading the part that i loved him more than ever. it was sad... really sad. will i be able to love like that again? i know that no one knows him better than i do. and he was such a fool... didn't care about me. no one will ever love him like i did before. and i'm not going to love him again...

I want to be big and let go of this grudge that's grown old
All this time i've not known how to rest this bygone
I want to be soft and resolved clean of slate and released
I want to forgive for the both of us